there ain't no better reason to rid yourself of vanities

and just go with the seasons...

may trouble neglect you
peacock
inyesterday
So I did it. It took me a while, tears fell, and we clung to one another as if we were holding onto something real for the first time in a while. It doesn't matter now though, it's over.

I'm sad because I care so much, but I'm also very weary of his actions and demeanor towards me. I know right now I need to focus on me, and what is best for me. Regardless if that is difficult, which it very much is. I know that I have to put my life and priorities first, even though I'm not very good at that. Easier said than done.

The snow storm Titan is supposed to hit us tonight going into tomorrow morning. With any luck, I'll have no work *crosses finger* hopefully the government will close. We shall see!

A long time coming
tea time
inyesterday
Long later here I am, posting again to this journal. I wonder if it will help me sort through my thoughts more--who knows.

I've started nursing school, which is exciting. It's nice to finally have a goal, even if there is a long road before getting there, the fact that there is a destination is something. It does involve quite a bit more work though, which of course isn't necessarily a bad thing, it is just more to do, more to focus on, etc.

Manny has a problem with the amount of work I have to do in his presence. It's like I have to pay attention to him all the time, or else he throws a fit. But at the same time if I were to act like he does, I would just get trampled. I know, I need to get out of this relationship, but I feel like part of me is just so scared of being alone. Even though I know I wouldn't really be alone, which is why I think we are slowly drifting in this abyss of unhappy relationships. I just want to end it, but amicably... I just don't foresee such ease anytime soon.

I just don't want to feel so alone, and even in this relationship I still feel alone, as if I'm the only one who cares about my happiness...and it's frightening. It doesn't help to remind myself of what it was when it all started, because that magic died long ago. No matter how I try to think maybe he will come back, that beautiful man I fell in love with, he won't. He is too wrapped up in his own shit to deal with mine..


Ugh this post came off a lot more angry than I would have hoped after such a long hiatus, but at the same time, I needed to rant so there you have it.

Now I'm going to go immerse myself in some kakasaku and forget the unhappy for a little while.

(no subject)
maryland window
inyesterday
Somehow music seems to always bring me to a state of bliss and serenity. I am at this point not sure how this could still be, for it seems as though this has been a trend throughout my lifetime. I am aware this is true for many, however I'm still in awe of the person who decided one day to try something new, and wrote the first song. Although I know at first they were based off of chants, however there was definitely music before this, unrecorded in our books. Eh, whatever.

Anyhow, at the moment things are rather interesting. For the first time in a long time, I'm not doing the best in school, which is actually terrible. At the moment I have the first B in French I have had in the past four years, which makes me want to cry. Not to mention a B in history, which I have never received. We'll see how this all works out. I'm hoping to raise my grades in French and History, as well as Chemistry. Chemistry I think I may be able to pull off, as long as I can do better than a B on this test, I should be getting a hundred, which would be awesome.

My life at the moment is pretty good, especially because I was over at my dad's tonight, which was very nice. It was the first time in over a month that I spent at my dad's for dinner. In the past few weeks I haven't seen him at all. So tonight I saw him, and we chatted and sorted out how I would pay for the German classes and then possible trip come April. He told me he would pay for half of the German trip, which is amazing, and I'm unbelievably thankful. I just hope I am able to get the money together in time to purchase a reasonably priced ticket, as well as miss a week of school. We'll see.

Oh, I also hopefully will be getting my license in three weeks time, which would be most amazing.

So now for the part of this entry with more substance.

I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be satisfied. Although I am aware that it is human nature to want more, that is simply the way we are wired, I mean I find it difficult to comprehend that I am here. Still, after almost three months. However, I feel as though thins will never be the same, and I knew that. I knew that going in and I still complain. I also am scared I have feelings for someone whom I shouldn't have feelings for. Although, I have also noticed that I seem to have the worst possible taste in such matters.

I talked briefly with Judith today online, and then she sent me the longest email known to man. I miss her so much. And Tini. And my life.

Where do we go when we don't know where home is?

oh you're gonna be wounded, oh, i'm gonna be your wound
peacock
inyesterday
Yummmm....my mom is cooking vodka tomato sauce with chicken, and I can smell the lovely garlic and olive oil aroma. As much as I miss Germany, sometimes it's good to be home, just to eat and sit here like this, just like before.

However it isn't before. I haven't written in a while, because in the last few weeks I prepared to leave Germany, I left, and now I am home again. I can't really describe how it is at the moment, because I am hoping somehow, that this "vacation" in the United States will be over soon, and I can return. I mean, I'm very happy to be home, but at the same time, I would just like to go home more than anything. Home being Germany...bah Deutschland--viel besser.

Tja, otherwise things are going just as normal I suppose. I am working again at Johnson's, although it certainly is very weird without david there. I don't expect to see him again soon, although it would be nice, solely because he was such a big part of my life last summer, I mean, I didn't think about him for months while I was in Germany, but now that I'm here, things just keep popping up reminding me of him, and the number of things we did together.

Anyhow, I've been attempting to immerse myself back into the reality which was my life. Although it's not as if it isn't my life anymore, of course it is, but I feel so different, and to come back with this new state of mind, expected to go back to how it was before it so...unfassbar...It just feels like I'm not really going to stay here...as if I've been living without glasses my entire year, and I was just forced to put on contacts. It feels weird to have the film over your eyes, and slowly, very slowly, your life as you know it shifts into focus.

So at the moment the pasta sauce is almost done, project runway is on with everyone's favourite German Heidi Klum. I'm anticipating this sauce, but also not, because I don't need to put on pounds as much as lose them. We'll see.

Oh, by the way, repeating a year of high school due to a year in a foreign country blows.

Tchüss! Es gibt Essen!

Eins und zwei und drei und '54,'74,'90,2010...
australia waterfall
inyesterday
Well, let me just say that this just keeps getting better and better somehow. For anyone who doesn't really pay attention to the current Europe Cup in Germany, let me just say that it has definitely been an amazing experience. Germany won yesterday, which was great. Although they didn't play too well, they still won which is great because they will play in the finale on Sunday. Which will be great, although I'm worried if they are playing Spain, because they are also really good...Russia is also good. Bwah we'll see.

In any case, one thing that definitely must be said, is that watching a soccer game is a much cooler experience than I would have ever though. I love the feeling of everyone hoping for this one team to make it to the final and win. Although it's also funny to hear the different chants as well as seeing the drunk obnoxious men yelling from megaphones. OLE OLE OLE OLE OLE SUPER DEUTSCHLAND etc, doesn't seem to get old. And I love singing with as well. I am a pretty patriotic non-German, I must say.

Anyway, we, Christian, Katharina, Alex, Cedric, Carsen, Louisa, Anne & Marco, and I, watched the game in this bar that is set up on the river. It is only set up in the summer months, and is supposed to reflect a cabana beach club. It's always nice there, and it wasn't too full as it normally is on the public viewing.

Oe thing that did tick me off a bit was that Felix didn't watch the game with us. Actually at all. He came back a few times with friends, but he watched it with other people. It wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't the fact that I know he is more important to me than I am to him, which pisses me off, not because I feel bad about myself, but more so because I let myself get mad about it. I seriously need to forget about him. Nothign even happened, but somehow he was still an important part of my stay, even though we didn't end up doing anything in the end. I just don't like the whole "hinterher" running. I mean, it is not as if I expect anything anymore. I am going home in two weeks. And i don't even think I want anything anymore, but somehow I just liked to think that maybe he wants something too. Even though it seriously will never happen. Whatever.

OH an Tuesday! Tuesday was actually also really good. I went to the Bio Zentrum, which was the most boring day I think I have had in an extraordinarily long time. Anyhow, afterwards I went to Felix's house, which was fun. He showed me pictures from Argentina...and I thought about how much it couldn't, and wouldn't work. Even though I want it to. Anyway, we had a good time, and then right after, Christian and Alex came over, and we played Bohnanza, which is a game where you basically trade beans, which basically seems stupid, btu it happens to be one of the best card games...ever. And we played that until around 10:30, and then went to an Irish Bar, which wasn't exactly Irish, but was fun anyway. It really is unbelievable that this will be all over in two weeks. Only two weeks. I don't know how I am going to deal with this. I'm trying so hard not to think about it...but it's just not working. Everyday I can only think about all the things I still want to do and things I've yet to do. It is getting to be so hard.

Tomorrow I'm skipping school again and going surfing, which is exciting...and more interesting than school.  Now I think I will actually go to bed, considering I hardly slept yesterday until today.

i could be risking it all...
berries
inyesterday
The mindset of the kids in my class today was "Let us all talk about Alice leaving, and how we do not want her to go" I feel like I have been asked about thirty times today "So freust du dich schon auf zuhaus?" Which is basically "are you happy about going home." And actually, I have no idea. It's a feeling that I couldn't describe, I think, even with the most expansive vocabulary in the world. Egal if it's in English or German. I don't think I could really ever describe how I'm feeling. Although I hope to not be this vague. I'm just very scared of going home, but I also know I cannot stay here. It's a strange feeling, to feel at home and knowing you have to go actually back to your home. It's not working for me.

Otherwise the day was sunny and I don't have any reason to complain, except for the rising prices of tomatoes in Germany! But it was still good. I had Badminton with Katha and Laura, which meant basically no badminton and more talking, playing against Herr Olinsky, as he kept telling us how good we were. He's  a nice guy, but at times just too nice, I'm not interested into the whole Germanpedophilemangymteacher. Ahh well so ist das.

The Americans are visiting my school now, which is pretty exciting. They're all very sweet, and it's fun to hear some English. But somehow, I've forgotten how it really is to talk with them. Although I still talk to Alex, it's not the same, because at this point, we all speak broken English, ya know, English with German sentence structure, etc.

Germany is playing against Turkey on Wednesday in the Europe Cup. Now, may people don't know the animosity between Germany and Turkey...at least, as far as I know. In any case, it's definitely going to be interesting, the game. Although Turkey has played well so far in the tournament, they have really just gotten lucky in the last few moments of the games. However they did lose against Portugal, and we beat Portugal on Thursday, so I'm hoping that Germany will play well. If they play as they did on Thursday, I feel like they will really have a chance.

Anyway, so tomorrow. Meeting with Felix...this should be interesting. I feel as if no one should be allowed to say how much they want  you to come ver, when they are aware that you have certain feelings for them. It as if they are trying to make you go crazy. In this case, it's as if he wants me to want him, without any intention of anything happening. He's so damn eingebildet!!!! And for anyone who speaks German...er hast mich total vertig gemacht, aber ich will trotzdem was von ihm!  Okay so enough of the German and english and the inbetween. Time for bed.

(no subject)
tree, yes we can, obama
inyesterday
The first entry in a journal created a while ago,  but never touched. I try not to do that, start things and not finish them that is. But somehow, in the confusion of my year, this, along with some other things, just got left behind. I guess just as things are wrapping up with my year, I tend to be a bit more focused on getting things don, that need to be done, before I go home.

To the reader, if there is any at all, it should be said that I am currently an exchange student in Germany, whose year is coming to an end. Granted, I have another three weeks of this amazingness, but it is still not much, if one really thinks about it, that isn't anything at all. That is basically a vacation. It seems like yesterday that I sad goodbye to everyone, but it also feels like so long ago.

In any case, I'm trying to move on, or at least, slowly move on, but at the moment it's rather hard, considering I'm stuck at home. I hate being sick! But I've been sick since Wednesday. I woke up on Wednesday with a sore throat and a headache that could kill an ox. I hate missing school. I hate missing work. I hate missing amazing soccer games between Germany and Portugal because I am sick. Although Louisa came over, cooked, and watched the game with me because she is amazing. And GERMANY WON! Which I am very excited about. Now we play Turkey in the semis, and i hope that Germany will win. We'll see though...

In any case, otherwise I'm just hanging out this weekend having a good time. I don't have much time left to have a good time, so I excited to just chill out, relax, and enjoy the last parts of my very extended vacation. Over and out.

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