Long later here I am, posting again to this journal. I wonder if it will help me sort through my thoughts more--who knows.
I've started nursing school, which is exciting. It's nice to finally have a goal, even if there is a long road before getting there, the fact that there is a destination is something. It does involve quite a bit more work though, which of course isn't necessarily a bad thing, it is just more to do, more to focus on, etc.
Manny has a problem with the amount of work I have to do in his presence. It's like I have to pay attention to him all the time, or else he throws a fit. But at the same time if I were to act like he does, I would just get trampled. I know, I need to get out of this relationship, but I feel like part of me is just so scared of being alone. Even though I know I wouldn't really be alone, which is why I think we are slowly drifting in this abyss of unhappy relationships. I just want to end it, but amicably... I just don't foresee such ease anytime soon.
I just don't want to feel so alone, and even in this relationship I still feel alone, as if I'm the only one who cares about my happiness...and it's frightening. It doesn't help to remind myself of what it was when it all started, because that magic died long ago. No matter how I try to think maybe he will come back, that beautiful man I fell in love with, he won't. He is too wrapped up in his own shit to deal with mine..
Ugh this post came off a lot more angry than I would have hoped after such a long hiatus, but at the same time, I needed to rant so there you have it.
Now I'm going to go immerse myself in some kakasaku and forget the unhappy for a little while.
- A long time coming